From Cinderella right through to First Dates, most of us have been brought up on a diet of cultural fodder that tells us great relationships require “spark” and chemistry.
If you’re not feeling a connection with someone straight away, so the narrative goes, it’s a red flag: a sign you and your date lack core compatibility.
Yet, as LA-based psychotherapist Alyssa Mancao points out in a thought-provoking new post on Instagram, chemistry and compatibility are two separate things.
In an insight dedicated to those that tend to “rush, overlap or ‘cushion’” new relationships, Mancao encourages us all to slow down, saying, “Give yourself permission to allow for time to unfold.”
While chemistry is often felt early on when meeting someone new, says Mancao, compatibility is the “kindling that keeps the fire going”. It takes shape only over time, forming a deeper calibre of connection.
Research shows that today’s always-on culture, enabled by the instant gratification of a digital age, means we’re more impatient than ever. So perhaps it’s no surprise that – along with our rapidly diminishing attention spans in work and life more generally – many of us (whether we admit it or not) expect dating chemistry to be served up on a plate.
In fact, given it takes us a mere 27 seconds to make a first impression of someone, on average, most new relationships would struggle to gain traction if we judged everything by that initial response.
Intriguingly, a study published earlier this year by Scientific Reports shows that there is such a thing as a spark, with researchers defining it as two people being “highly synchronous and attuned during a date” in terms of body language and social cues. When this happens, “their mutual romantic and sexual interest are high as well”, the paper’s authors said.
However Mancao argues that we shouldn’t have to force that feeling, nor should we panic if it doesn’t surface when first meeting someone new. Although seeking a spark may be a case of ‘old patterns’ for many people, she says, it’s all right to consciously change tack and give new connections the time they need to gain traction.
In a famous experiment by psychologist Arthur Aron, detailed in the New York Times, it takes 36 questions to fall in love with someone. But the questions Aron lays out go deep, forcing two people to reveal their innermost vulnerabilities to one another in a series of topics that get increasingly personal and potentially awkward.
It would take a brave soul indeed to try this on a first date (maybe the producers for Married At First Sight should take note). But the point is, whatever pop culture tells us, great relationships of any kind – romantic and beyond – are not necessarily built on instant chemistry. Instead, mutual trust and vulnerability are the key to slowly getting to know one another, and developing that sense of closeness may take longer than you think.
Images: Alyssa Mancao’s Instagram; Getty